Thursday, April 28, 2011
I could be dying from the one thing that i've always loved the most... the sun! biopsy next friday. it makes me think that all my theories on capitalism and an inevitable social uprising is banal. millions, no billions (trillions) of people have died before me for no reason... sure maybe the ones who claim some self-righteous power greater than the individual would say that their deaths have come at the expense of the greater good, but that is an obvious facade. someone wrote in a secret memo once that the only thing that separates the rich from the poor is money since the poor still have a vote. its not true. there is no real separation. we all die. it is arbitrary and erroneous to assume an individual can mean anything in the greater scheme of things. we are all fucked
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Doomsday Survival Guide: Chapter 1
A how-to approach to surviving the end of the world
This manual is set up as a loosely based ensemble of recommended methods one might find useful in the event that the civilized world collapses. With that being said, there are a few points to be made about the assumed remnants of mankind.
• First, take care to avoid anyone who once associated themselves with extreme pacifism because they will most likely be on some roving gang’s menu before long.
• Second, if you happened to be a pacifist, or a liberal in any sense before the collapse, seriously consider shedding your ideals immediately.
o Now that you have shed your bleeding heart and are ready to accept the harsh reality of survival, you want to do your best to find a republican to teach you how to load and fire a gun. (This process is explained in the chapter on how to pretend to be an NRA member just long enough to learn to kill via casual observance.)
Now, despite the phantasmagoria, it is important to keep calm and establish which of the following causes ended the world in order to properly diagnose the situation. The proper reaction immediately following the end of the world, as we know it, can be the difference between life and death.
-There are many probable causes for the end of the world; the following is a short list of the most likely culprits, followed by a recommended immediate reaction.
1. Pandemic virus
• Immediate response: In the case of a devastating virus we feel as though you are in good position. Considering the fact that you are still alive is a plus, meaning you either have a natural immunity to the bug or you have not yet developed symptoms. Now is the time to rush out and enjoy being alive. We strongly recommend finding a vacated amusement park and riding all the rides with no lines for as long as you want.
2. Natural Disaster
• Immediate response: In the case of a societal ending earthquake/flood/hurricane/wind storm/tsunami type disaster, your first instinct will be to wait for government assistance. DO NOT! You will probably not know the extent of the devastation because the cable went out before you could see how bad it really was. In this case we suggest you use your best judgment in determining whether or not society is ruined. If your answer is, “No, I don’t think civilization ended. But our town is destroyed,” get the fuck out of that town and head somewhere with running water and TV. If, on the other hand you believe the end has come and your incident is not an isolated one, the next steps are important.
o Step one; loot Best Buy so you can finally get that 52” flat screen you’ve been after.
o Step two; gather a pile of rocks ranging in size from ping-pong ball to hockey puck. Once a sizable pile has been made, begin breaking out windows. Study groups have shown that in the case of societal failure, throwing rocks through glass windows works well to reduce stress.
o Step three; now that you’ve blown off a little steam, it is time to join the rest of the mob at the grocery store. Try to get there quickly if you want any chance of stocking up on the good stuff like fruit roll-ups and Cocoa Puffs (people tend to go cuckoo for that shit).
3. Cyber Meltdown
• Immediate response: Look to the sky for any falling aircraft or satellites. After 10 to 15 minutes the threat of falling debris is pretty much over and it is time to begin training in face-to-face verbal contact. The scariest part of a disaster such as this one is that everyone is mostly still living for the time being and sooner or later you will be required to communicate with someone in person. Do your best to remain calm(for methods and techniques on how to communication in person turn to chapter 4).
4. The Rapture
• Immediate response: Refer to the section above on Pandemic virus. Your response should be basically the same. If you notice any of your church going friends floating away, encased in a warm glow of salvation, you can attempt to grab onto their leg and hope to go unnoticed in the kingdom of god (their stowaway policy is pretty strict up there). If that does not work, your basically fucked so enjoy the time you have, and remember, there is no one left to judge you so try to be creative!
5. Astronomical Disaster
• Immediate response: If you have ever seen the epic cinematic feature Deep Impact, staring Tea’ Leone, you will know The United States will be ground zero for a meteor strike. You will also know that one chunk of the meteor will almost certainly be crashing in the ocean causing a great tidal wave. Your first action should be to grab your board and paddle out, because the surf is up brah! After you rip it up on the most epic wave ever, you will most likely find yourself a few hundred miles inland, surrounded by a smorgasbord of delicious sea creatures flopping around. The most important thing to do in this situation is to not let this blessing go to waste. After a great day of riding waves and a top-notch sushi dinner, chances are good that you won’t even remember the world just ended.
This manual is set up as a loosely based ensemble of recommended methods one might find useful in the event that the civilized world collapses. With that being said, there are a few points to be made about the assumed remnants of mankind.
• First, take care to avoid anyone who once associated themselves with extreme pacifism because they will most likely be on some roving gang’s menu before long.
• Second, if you happened to be a pacifist, or a liberal in any sense before the collapse, seriously consider shedding your ideals immediately.
o Now that you have shed your bleeding heart and are ready to accept the harsh reality of survival, you want to do your best to find a republican to teach you how to load and fire a gun. (This process is explained in the chapter on how to pretend to be an NRA member just long enough to learn to kill via casual observance.)
Now, despite the phantasmagoria, it is important to keep calm and establish which of the following causes ended the world in order to properly diagnose the situation. The proper reaction immediately following the end of the world, as we know it, can be the difference between life and death.
-There are many probable causes for the end of the world; the following is a short list of the most likely culprits, followed by a recommended immediate reaction.
1. Pandemic virus
• Immediate response: In the case of a devastating virus we feel as though you are in good position. Considering the fact that you are still alive is a plus, meaning you either have a natural immunity to the bug or you have not yet developed symptoms. Now is the time to rush out and enjoy being alive. We strongly recommend finding a vacated amusement park and riding all the rides with no lines for as long as you want.
2. Natural Disaster
• Immediate response: In the case of a societal ending earthquake/flood/hurricane/wind storm/tsunami type disaster, your first instinct will be to wait for government assistance. DO NOT! You will probably not know the extent of the devastation because the cable went out before you could see how bad it really was. In this case we suggest you use your best judgment in determining whether or not society is ruined. If your answer is, “No, I don’t think civilization ended. But our town is destroyed,” get the fuck out of that town and head somewhere with running water and TV. If, on the other hand you believe the end has come and your incident is not an isolated one, the next steps are important.
o Step one; loot Best Buy so you can finally get that 52” flat screen you’ve been after.
o Step two; gather a pile of rocks ranging in size from ping-pong ball to hockey puck. Once a sizable pile has been made, begin breaking out windows. Study groups have shown that in the case of societal failure, throwing rocks through glass windows works well to reduce stress.
o Step three; now that you’ve blown off a little steam, it is time to join the rest of the mob at the grocery store. Try to get there quickly if you want any chance of stocking up on the good stuff like fruit roll-ups and Cocoa Puffs (people tend to go cuckoo for that shit).
3. Cyber Meltdown
• Immediate response: Look to the sky for any falling aircraft or satellites. After 10 to 15 minutes the threat of falling debris is pretty much over and it is time to begin training in face-to-face verbal contact. The scariest part of a disaster such as this one is that everyone is mostly still living for the time being and sooner or later you will be required to communicate with someone in person. Do your best to remain calm(for methods and techniques on how to communication in person turn to chapter 4).
4. The Rapture
• Immediate response: Refer to the section above on Pandemic virus. Your response should be basically the same. If you notice any of your church going friends floating away, encased in a warm glow of salvation, you can attempt to grab onto their leg and hope to go unnoticed in the kingdom of god (their stowaway policy is pretty strict up there). If that does not work, your basically fucked so enjoy the time you have, and remember, there is no one left to judge you so try to be creative!
5. Astronomical Disaster
• Immediate response: If you have ever seen the epic cinematic feature Deep Impact, staring Tea’ Leone, you will know The United States will be ground zero for a meteor strike. You will also know that one chunk of the meteor will almost certainly be crashing in the ocean causing a great tidal wave. Your first action should be to grab your board and paddle out, because the surf is up brah! After you rip it up on the most epic wave ever, you will most likely find yourself a few hundred miles inland, surrounded by a smorgasbord of delicious sea creatures flopping around. The most important thing to do in this situation is to not let this blessing go to waste. After a great day of riding waves and a top-notch sushi dinner, chances are good that you won’t even remember the world just ended.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Conquering of a Single Day
There was no neurotically charming Woody Allen fantasy in the city. Sure, the misanthropy was there but no quirky landlords yelling about late rent or the platonic female friend with overlooked beauty waiting for him to wake up and realize her. Instead, the broker left a bill in the box every month with instructions on how to get to the website and pay online. $75 every day the rent was late, the sidewalk if it went over one month past due. The friends, well there are plenty of lonely people around these parts so hope isn’t lost all together.
Speeding through a dimly lit tunnel, the train clanked around slight bends. Breaks suddenly hit steal wheels, tossing him forward, swinging his elbow into the back of a blank faced Asian woman. She didn’t notice.
Opening doors induce pushing.
Shoulder to shoulder, angry faces writhed in a single effort to empty the car as quickly as they could and perform a strange, penguin like walk-run to their next destination. They were all going somewhere fast and doing nothing when they got there, He supposed. The young man could not suppress his smile at the sight of the mob. They sped through corridors like malfunctioning robots, legs moving too fast for arms and torsos to keep up with.
It had only been a month since he started working as a Production Assistant on Your World: With Valerie Mayher.
It had taken a day or so for him to realize objective news reporting meant very little when epic ratings where at stake. He kept his head down, mind agog with contradiction. Too intrigued to debate moral dilemmas, which were better saved for non-profits and NGOs, He went with it all whole-heartedly.
When he got to work the sun was still hidden on a low horizon behind the concrete canyons of the city. There were no buildings under ten stories tall, each with a thousand windows, most already lit from within.
He rode the elevator with a fancy looking woman whose head seemed too big for her body, which in all fairness could have been an illusion cast by pounds of makeup. The three large black men, who stared at the young man with eyes betraying smug suspicion, indicated she was probably a celebrity of some sort. He supposed he should have known who she was but he didn’t. The woman and her goons got off on the fourth floor, most likely for more makeup before heading to a dingy greenroom.
Nine hours later, stepping out of the blurred frenzy of a meaningless cable news show, he took a breath.
Late November winds threw chills around each corner, seemingly unprejudiced of avenue or direction. A Young man with wrinkled Khakis, black pinstriped oxford and worn loafers trying hard to fit his idea of the young professional, pushed through the revolving door. His cage of revolving glass spun through the open end of the cylinder with a whoosh. The young man stepped out.
Faced battered by wind, he reached into his pocket and took out a pack of Camel’s, half empty, and worked a lighter as he walked. The light wouldn’t take in the wind despite a masterfully cupped hand. He tucked himself into a corner near a service entrance and thumbed the wheel against flint, the spark mixed with butane and he inhaled. Warm blue smoke mingled with his frosted breath
He went home which was no home at all really. A cot tucked into the corner of a broom closet, closed off from the world by shoddy stucco. He lay tucked in his cot, one leg out of the blanket half frozen the rest of his lean body laced in hot sweat.
He sat staring into a picture frame, which held the face of a young blonde girl he used to know well.
He lay there, moving rarely, thinking deeply about nothing. Minutes went by or maybe it was hours. He tried to remember if he slept when the pale light crept toward the foot of his cot.
With the room still only half lit, he pulled on his khakis, buttoned the last shirt hanging from his makeshift closet and made his way to the downtown train.
Speeding through a dimly lit tunnel, the train clanked around slight bends. Breaks suddenly hit steal wheels, tossing him forward, swinging his elbow into the back of a blank faced Asian woman. She didn’t notice.
Opening doors induce pushing.
Shoulder to shoulder, angry faces writhed in a single effort to empty the car as quickly as they could and perform a strange, penguin like walk-run to their next destination. They were all going somewhere fast and doing nothing when they got there, He supposed. The young man could not suppress his smile at the sight of the mob. They sped through corridors like malfunctioning robots, legs moving too fast for arms and torsos to keep up with.
It had only been a month since he started working as a Production Assistant on Your World: With Valerie Mayher.
It had taken a day or so for him to realize objective news reporting meant very little when epic ratings where at stake. He kept his head down, mind agog with contradiction. Too intrigued to debate moral dilemmas, which were better saved for non-profits and NGOs, He went with it all whole-heartedly.
When he got to work the sun was still hidden on a low horizon behind the concrete canyons of the city. There were no buildings under ten stories tall, each with a thousand windows, most already lit from within.
He rode the elevator with a fancy looking woman whose head seemed too big for her body, which in all fairness could have been an illusion cast by pounds of makeup. The three large black men, who stared at the young man with eyes betraying smug suspicion, indicated she was probably a celebrity of some sort. He supposed he should have known who she was but he didn’t. The woman and her goons got off on the fourth floor, most likely for more makeup before heading to a dingy greenroom.
Nine hours later, stepping out of the blurred frenzy of a meaningless cable news show, he took a breath.
Late November winds threw chills around each corner, seemingly unprejudiced of avenue or direction. A Young man with wrinkled Khakis, black pinstriped oxford and worn loafers trying hard to fit his idea of the young professional, pushed through the revolving door. His cage of revolving glass spun through the open end of the cylinder with a whoosh. The young man stepped out.
Faced battered by wind, he reached into his pocket and took out a pack of Camel’s, half empty, and worked a lighter as he walked. The light wouldn’t take in the wind despite a masterfully cupped hand. He tucked himself into a corner near a service entrance and thumbed the wheel against flint, the spark mixed with butane and he inhaled. Warm blue smoke mingled with his frosted breath
He went home which was no home at all really. A cot tucked into the corner of a broom closet, closed off from the world by shoddy stucco. He lay tucked in his cot, one leg out of the blanket half frozen the rest of his lean body laced in hot sweat.
He sat staring into a picture frame, which held the face of a young blonde girl he used to know well.
He lay there, moving rarely, thinking deeply about nothing. Minutes went by or maybe it was hours. He tried to remember if he slept when the pale light crept toward the foot of his cot.
With the room still only half lit, he pulled on his khakis, buttoned the last shirt hanging from his makeshift closet and made his way to the downtown train.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Close Out at Dusk
I've been working on this painting for a week or so and I just can't quite seem to get it right. It's supposed to have a little bit of an abstract feel to it but I think that's the problem... I need to either stick with a more impressionist angle or go further into the abstract. I'd be happy to hear some suggestions or opinions.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Katz's Famous Delicatessen
I'm going to try telling you about this place without blatantly plagiarizing their website. First off, I have never eaten any of their food so I cannot claim to know if they are actually "The Best since 1888" but I am going to make it my mission to check it out and update this post after my experience.
So anyway, a group of us stumbled very randomly upon this old brick building with a huge sign talking about "famous" this and "worlds best" that. Our friend Grant was saying he though it was a famous NYC landmark but to be honest, we had all just stumbled out of some bar around 4am somewhere in lower Manhattan, and Katz's "World Famous Delicatessen" was a lot less important than finding a good greasy slice and a cab uptown... The thing about New York is, almost EVERY pizza joint and corner deli self-indulgently proclaims their fame; sometimes it's written on their building, most of the time a nice neon glow enlightens us. If a place has been open for more than 10 years and has been visited by 1. Rudolph Giuliani 2. Leonardo DiCaprio 3. Tony Soprano, it meets the protocol for fame. With that being said, I was drunkenly skeptical of Katz's boastful broadcast of self-aggrandizement. The funny thing about New York, though, is that within the vast establishments claiming fame but offering mediocrity, cool little gems exist and are often not sought out, but stumbled upon.
Katz's Delicatessen has been around since 1888, and that's a really long time. I bet not a lot of Americans could tell you who Chester A. Arthur was... I'm sure most people would recognize the name, but how many people would know that he was The Prez of our great nation when Katz's doors opened up, covering the stench of piss drenched immigrants in the lower east side with the alluring perfume of "the old country", but not just the old country... EVERY old country. That part of town was a dumping ground for penniless pilgrims from Russian, Italy, Poland, Ireland and wherever else... and Katz's catered to them all.
In 1888 Jimmy Ryan lead the league with 16 home runs and New York won the pennant (philly was 3rd but still eight games over 500%), I know because I looked on Wikipedia. Maybe your great-great-great grandfather grabbed a big dill pickle and read the the scores on First Ave while he waited for his friends to show up for a pickup game, Wikipedia didn't mention anything about it but it could be true. In 1888 a blizzard hit the east coast, killing more than 400 people.. probably because they were snowed in and couldn't get to Katz's.. But seriously, this place was around when back when blizzards were the ninth leading cause of death! Katz's opened the same year as the Washington monument got stiff in DC and when one-legged Civil War Vets were bumming half-pence in front of the horse carriage stops.
I guess I'm getting nostalgic, but it is about more than just Katz's. Philly is a cool town with a ton of history, but its text book history... New York's history is not guarded by park rangers or hidden away behind bulletproof glass never to toll again. This city's history is on a random corner just sitting there waiting for some drunkards to stand in front of and take a silly picture at 4 in the morning without any idea of who's been in that same spot over the last 122 years.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The Ever Expanding Chicken Cutlet
You know, I was thinking about how every grandmother I have ever known, or I guess I should say every person I have known with a grandmother, always has a dish. She has that magical dish that mom or dad just can't quite replicate no matter how closely they follow the old, yellowing paper with crusted flour, stained brown by old ingredients or finger dirt.
There is just that gramma touch that is impossible to replicate. I suppose for me it was my Meme's roast or maybe on the other side of the family, the chicken cutlets. So, don't you ever think about how good that original grandmother's cutlet was? I mean if my g-ma makes the best I've ever had and my kids will think my ma's cutlet is the best they've ever had even though I've know a better cutlet than they ever will, the process has to work in reverse too, right?
I guess it's kind of one of those mysteries. You know, kind of like the type that some neurotic egomaniac can figure out with astrophysics and mathematics... like how even though nothing moves as quickly as light and all those stars out there are suns, most of which are bigger than our own, space is still dark because the universe is constantly expanding. I guess grandmothers are kind of like that. and if not grandmothers then definitely chicken cutlets and pork roasts.
There is just that gramma touch that is impossible to replicate. I suppose for me it was my Meme's roast or maybe on the other side of the family, the chicken cutlets. So, don't you ever think about how good that original grandmother's cutlet was? I mean if my g-ma makes the best I've ever had and my kids will think my ma's cutlet is the best they've ever had even though I've know a better cutlet than they ever will, the process has to work in reverse too, right?
I guess it's kind of one of those mysteries. You know, kind of like the type that some neurotic egomaniac can figure out with astrophysics and mathematics... like how even though nothing moves as quickly as light and all those stars out there are suns, most of which are bigger than our own, space is still dark because the universe is constantly expanding. I guess grandmothers are kind of like that. and if not grandmothers then definitely chicken cutlets and pork roasts.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
City of Thieves
Just finished a good book... if anyone reads this blog at all, I highly recommend reading City of Thieves by David Benioff.
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