Doomsday Survival Guide: Chapter 1

A how-to approach to surviving the end of the world

This manual is set up as a loosely based ensemble of recommended methods one might find useful in the event that the civilized world collapses. With that being said, there are a few points to be made about the assumed remnants of mankind.
• First, take care to avoid anyone who once associated themselves with extreme pacifism because they will most likely be on some roving gang’s menu before long.
• Second, if you happened to be a pacifist, or a liberal in any sense before the collapse, seriously consider shedding your ideals immediately.
o Now that you have shed your bleeding heart and are ready to accept the harsh reality of survival, you want to do your best to find a republican to teach you how to load and fire a gun. (This process is explained in the chapter on how to pretend to be an NRA member just long enough to learn to kill via casual observance.)

Now, despite the phantasmagoria, it is important to keep calm and establish which of the following causes ended the world in order to properly diagnose the situation. The proper reaction immediately following the end of the world, as we know it, can be the difference between life and death.

-There are many probable causes for the end of the world; the following is a short list of the most likely culprits, followed by a recommended immediate reaction.

1. Pandemic virus
• Immediate response: In the case of a devastating virus we feel as though you are in good position. Considering the fact that you are still alive is a plus, meaning you either have a natural immunity to the bug or you have not yet developed symptoms. Now is the time to rush out and enjoy being alive. We strongly recommend finding a vacated amusement park and riding all the rides with no lines for as long as you want.

2. Natural Disaster
• Immediate response: In the case of a societal ending earthquake/flood/hurricane/wind storm/tsunami type disaster, your first instinct will be to wait for government assistance. DO NOT! You will probably not know the extent of the devastation because the cable went out before you could see how bad it really was. In this case we suggest you use your best judgment in determining whether or not society is ruined. If your answer is, “No, I don’t think civilization ended. But our town is destroyed,” get the fuck out of that town and head somewhere with running water and TV. If, on the other hand you believe the end has come and your incident is not an isolated one, the next steps are important.
o Step one; loot Best Buy so you can finally get that 52” flat screen you’ve been after.
o Step two; gather a pile of rocks ranging in size from ping-pong ball to hockey puck. Once a sizable pile has been made, begin breaking out windows. Study groups have shown that in the case of societal failure, throwing rocks through glass windows works well to reduce stress.
o Step three; now that you’ve blown off a little steam, it is time to join the rest of the mob at the grocery store. Try to get there quickly if you want any chance of stocking up on the good stuff like fruit roll-ups and Cocoa Puffs (people tend to go cuckoo for that shit).

3. Cyber Meltdown
• Immediate response: Look to the sky for any falling aircraft or satellites. After 10 to 15 minutes the threat of falling debris is pretty much over and it is time to begin training in face-to-face verbal contact. The scariest part of a disaster such as this one is that everyone is mostly still living for the time being and sooner or later you will be required to communicate with someone in person. Do your best to remain calm(for methods and techniques on how to communication in person turn to chapter 4).

4. The Rapture
• Immediate response: Refer to the section above on Pandemic virus. Your response should be basically the same. If you notice any of your church going friends floating away, encased in a warm glow of salvation, you can attempt to grab onto their leg and hope to go unnoticed in the kingdom of god (their stowaway policy is pretty strict up there). If that does not work, your basically fucked so enjoy the time you have, and remember, there is no one left to judge you so try to be creative!

5. Astronomical Disaster
• Immediate response: If you have ever seen the epic cinematic feature Deep Impact, staring Tea’ Leone, you will know The United States will be ground zero for a meteor strike. You will also know that one chunk of the meteor will almost certainly be crashing in the ocean causing a great tidal wave. Your first action should be to grab your board and paddle out, because the surf is up brah! After you rip it up on the most epic wave ever, you will most likely find yourself a few hundred miles inland, surrounded by a smorgasbord of delicious sea creatures flopping around. The most important thing to do in this situation is to not let this blessing go to waste. After a great day of riding waves and a top-notch sushi dinner, chances are good that you won’t even remember the world just ended.